I’m really bad at this whole “blogging” thing. I always have a second of inspiration but then I get sidetracked and never end up writing anything. So, to the one person who will probably read this, thanks for reading. This blog post is going to be very raw. I’m not going to hold back or hide behind the phrase “I’m fine” anymore.
The last 5 months have been some of the darkest months of my entire life. It started with a guy. We met in August or September. The extent of our friendship was talking about Fantasy Football, he always helped me set my lineup each week because I was completely clueless. We were friends and nothing more, until one day he started getting a little flirty. It was around my birthday, so I assumed he was just trying to be nice. I thought he was cute and definitely wouldn’t mind pursuing something, but it just stayed as flirting for a few weeks.
We started to talk on the phone pretty much everyday, began watching Netflix together, and threw around a few “I love yous” here and there. It’s safe to say that I was falling for him. He knew what to say to make me smile, even at 3 AM when I woke up because of a nightmare. He came out of nowhere and was just perfect to me. I was hesitant to fall, though, because of my unlucky past experiences with guys. I’ve been heartbroken too many times in my life to just give myself to someone else, but for some reason, it seemed so easy with him.
This guy and I had some mutual friends at the time. I remember talking to one of them, really excited about this new potential relationship. I started telling my friend about the overwhelming butterfly feeling that I had. I was absolutely beaming. I don’t remember how long it had been since I was that happy. Unfortunately, that feeling was quickly crushed. “You’re talking to him?” my friend said. “Don’t you know that he’s been sexting…” The sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want to believe it. There was no way that the sweet boy I was falling for would do that to me. Not even just texting….but sexting? No way.
I didn’t know how to take the news. I didn’t know how to confront him about it. I was angry and confused, but mostly sad. I felt so betrayed, but I didn’t even know if it was true. So, I did something crazy. I asked the girl. We were friends (sort of), and I thought I knew her well enough to get the truth out of her. I sent her a text and asked if she had been talking to this guy and her response was, “Lol yeah, we send nudes like everyday”. I have literally never wanted to break my phone more than I did in that moment. The sadness turned to intense anger. How could he do this to me? I began to re-evaluate everything. What was he doing after he said goodnight to me? Was he really going to bed when he said he was tired? Clearly not. I was pissed. Seriously. Pissed.
It took me an hour or so to formulate a complete thought. I knew that I had to talk to him about it. I sent him a message, just saying “Hi”. I don’t remember his exact response, but it was something like “Hi baby” or something like that. My heart melted, of course, and it took me even longer to bring up the subject. When I asked him if it was true, he immediately denied it, which I sort of expected. I was also texting the other girl at the same time because she said that she would ask him if he was seeing me. He denied that as well. This man was literally texting both of us the same thing, denying any sort of relationship with the other. He didn’t know that the two of us were talking.
Long story short (too late, right?), he eventually admitted to it. The other girl completely cut him off and said some pretty mean things to him. I can’t lie, I agreed with what she said and he deserved to hear it. I can still remember how awful I felt that day. There was a lump in my throat and a horrible feeling in my stomach. I didn’t think it could get much worse, but it did. I found out he has a girlfriend……of 5 years. Just when you thought the story couldn’t get worse, right? You think you know somebody. Not only am I hurting because he was messing around with another girl who I considered a friend, but he had a girlfriend too? So he was cheating on her with me? Never in my life have I felt so disrespected or betrayed….but I also felt incredibly guilty. I know that I can’t blame myself for him cheating. I had no idea. But, I still felt so disgusted with myself. I decided that it would be best for me to cut him off and to move on with my life. This was way too much drama for me to deal with and I was heartbroken.
Not talking to him lasted about 3 hours. I felt bad for him. Why? I have no clue. But, I felt this overwhelming urge to forgive him and to just be his friend. It didn’t make sense. My brain knew that I would just be opening a new can of worms, but my heart was telling me to look past the whole situation and be his friend. I did a really great (not really) job of putting on a smile and pretending like everything was okay. I prayed for him and went on with my life.
Except, I didn’t go on with my life. I cried on and off for weeks. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. The weight of the guilt was overwhelming. But, that wasn’t what was keeping me up at night. I still loved him. I still wanted to be with him. After all that he had done, I still thought that there was a chance for us. I don’t know why. I’m not a stupid person. I knew logically that pursuing something with him would be the worst idea. I mean, HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. HE IS A CHEATER. HE BROKE MY TRUST. HE CRUSHED MY HEART. Why would I want to be with a guy like that? To this day, I still don’t understand why.
There is so much more to the story, but I’m at peace with everything that I’ve chosen to share in this post. I’m still struggling with these feelings and this whole mess. It takes a lot for me to put on a smile everyday. It takes a lot for me to pretend like I don’t care when I see him tweet or post a picture on Instagram. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know why I can’t move on. I spend so much time in prayer about this and nothing is changing. All I can do is just press on and try to get over it.
I know what I’m worth. I know that this is something that I didn’t deserve, nobody does. I know that there is somebody out there for me. Somebody who would never even dream of hurting me this way. I really can’t wait to meet him.
To the guy (because I know you’re reading this),
We have been through so much together in a few short months. You have brought me so much joy. So much laughter. So many inside jokes. You have also broken me, time and time again. But, as I’ve told you…I will continue to put my feelings aside for our friendship. It’s a long process, but I promise that I’m healing. I don’t want to stop talking to you – every conversation just brings so just brings so much happiness. I love when we get to hang and watch Naruto. I love roasting you about your poor choice of sports teams. I love our deep conversations and hearing your heart about the church. You are not the person that you think you are. You’ve messed up. You’ve hurt me a lot. But, I know that you are trying really hard to be a good man. You ask me about my day. You show genuine interest about my life and everything that I’m involved with. I see your effort and I really appreciate all of it. I know that you made mistakes. I know that you have owned up to them. I know that a lot of people hate you for what you did to me, but I’m not one of them. I forgive you.